Confuzzled

Ever feel that way? Confuzzled? That's how I've felt this week. It's a mixture of confused and puzzled (which are two entirely different things, BTW.)

My brain has felt foggy and my body is tired. Yesterday I thought things were getting back to normal (re-adjusting to the school schedule, etc) bu this morning it was just as bad as it had been on Tuesday. (When it was *really* bad.)

I know part of the reason is the chaos that is my house. If you know me, then you know my love of all things organization. Things in my house are (usually) organized. It might not be picture perfect clean, but there is a place for everything and we try to keep everything in its place.

Not so much this week. Or last week, for that matter. Add into the chaotic mess the need for the doing of laundry regularly, meals (of some sort) some sort every night, lunches made for school the next day, and all the things that come with going to school and I CANNOT tell you how much I'd rather just MOVE than deal with the chaos in my living room. And bedrooms. And the playroom/girls' dressing room/preschool supply room. And kitchen. And the pantry/laundry room. (Oh man. The HORROR that is the pantry/laundry room.)

The other reason is the chaos in my mind. Sometimes I wish I could just skip straight from the end of July to the middle of September.

- It's too hot.

- There are so many things that have to be done to go back to school (I've had to make FOUR trips for back-to-school supplies because the middle school teachers keep adding things to the list. There was a reason I tried to get all this shopping done back in July, you know??)

- And it's not just the girls that go back to school, it's me, too. I have stuff - LOTS OF STUFF - that I have to do to prepare for the newest batch of little darlings.

- Then let's talk about the outflow of $$$ during this time of year. Or not. The worst of it is that I don't get paid until the middle of September.

- The birthdays I have to worry about. Okay, so I only really worry about one- Madeline's. I feel like she ALWAYS gets the birthday shaft because there is no "extra" money. Since she turns 12 this year, she gets a birthday party. A real party. With people. People who aren't just family. Oy vey. The anxiety this causes me!

- And speaking of anxiety, I had a meeting with my mental health doc yesterday, and I finally had to accept the fact that I will probably be dealing with this for the rest of my life and medication will probably be the key to me living a healthy and productive life. He even made the diabetes analogy, which I've made myself countless times (to other people). And I mean, I knew it. I really did. And I know the anxiety triggers. And I know it could be worse. A lot worse. But this is my cross to bear, and the fact that it could be worse doesn't make it any less scary/damaging/stressful/etc.

You know The Serenity Paryer?? It's kind of my mantra these days, except I have my own version that goes something like this:

Jennifer:

Put on your big girl panties,
pour yourself a cold Dr. Pepper
and make better the things you can
and don't worry about the rest.

If you find you can't stop
worrying about the rest,
take some deep breaths
and a Xanax.